It's Not Easy To Be Me

Most people think it is easy to be me. I stay at home so I don't have to squeeze my stupid brain to earn money for living. I do nothing. I can be lazy. I stay home without children to take care of so I don't have to bear the sound of screaming and fighting children. I don't have to do groceries too.

Actually I always have things to do. I do house works, I cook and I clean. People say "oh, that's easy. it is not like you are cooking and cleaning all the time. you can afford to be lazy." But do people know that I am doing those "easy" chores alone? Not that I need help (because they are easy, really) but I am all by myself in the house. I should be stress free should I not? No one to boss me around and no one to nag me.

Then people say "why don't you have friends?. there must be other housewives neighbour, right?" Well, it is my fault. I don't like to socialise. I don't have friends other than my husband. He is the only friend I have. My best friend.

I don't mind doing the house works. Honestly, I like doing house works. I like to see the house squeeky clean. I like to cook for my husband. I know he loves it when I cook and he comes back home to a warm dinner. I like to put everything neat and tidy in the cupboards. I don't mind doing that everyday. Well, it is easy being me BUT as I mentioned before it is not easy to be the alone me because I am not able to communicate.

Fear not people! I know how to cheer my lone self up! I do exercise, I watch tv (which I switch off when I don't feel like watching), I read books, online (which I don't usually do because I am not addicted to facebook and I do not own a smartphone to whatsapp) and I do read the Quran. Only when I am temporary insane I imagine myself talking to someone for instance my husband and hopefully someday my babies.

People are saying "why not work? that will occupy your time and you'll never be alone anymore". My answer is I will make my husband worries. My line of work (if I was employed) usually will involve extra hours based on past experience. My husband will be worried for my safety. He will be worried about my health. My husband does not want me to be stressed out because of work. At the same time I don't think I can do house works as much as I like. We had experienced this before when both of us are working. Everyday dinner was at stalls and restaurants. His work requires him to work late most of the time.

NOW....it is not easy to be him either. My husband has to work hard to feed me. It is not easy to be him because he is very good at his job and thus becomes the favourite employee. It is not easy to be him because he is too good looking and that makes him sad because he loses friends. I thought he did not mind because he said he is an anti social person. He said I can neither be selfish nor jealous. At the back of my selfish-jealous-self head I personally think that no one should have anything to do with the one who got rejected. Either for business or leisure because I thought happy family comes first and then work a.k.a. money. Probably he cried because he really wanted to be friends with those amazing women who share the same interests but being married to me makes it harder for him. I don't know because he didn't say. I am not in his shoes.

It really is difficult being him. I never want him to buy me expensive clothes, handbags, shoes, smartphones and make-ups. I don't want him to do house works because I know he is tired from working. He can be lazy and I don't mind. He can be online whenever he wants. Maybe because I don't like him to be friends with those amazing women that made him upset. I should use my stupid brain and think.... maybe if I had a job my husband can save his hard earned salary and not waste them on me. Then he will not have to contact unnecessary people for business purposes because I am selfish. So who says it is easy to be me?