Most people think it is easy to be me. I stay at home so I don't have to squeeze my stupid brain to earn money for living. I do nothing. I can be lazy. I stay home without children to take care of so I don't have to bear the sound of screaming and fighting children. I don't have to do groceries too.
Actually I always have things to do. I do house works, I cook and I clean. People say "oh, that's easy. it is not like you are cooking and cleaning all the time. you can afford to be lazy." But do people know that I am doing those "easy" chores alone? Not that I need help (because they are easy, really) but I am all by myself in the house. I should be stress free should I not? No one to boss me around and no one to nag me.
Then people say "why don't you have friends?. there must be other housewives neighbour, right?" Well, it is my fault. I don't like to socialise. I don't have friends other than my husband. He is the only friend I have. My best friend.
I don't mind doing the house works. Honestly, I like doing house works. I like to see the house squeeky clean. I like to cook for my husband. I know he loves it when I cook and he comes back home to a warm dinner. I like to put everything neat and tidy in the cupboards. I don't mind doing that everyday. Well, it is easy being me BUT as I mentioned before it is not easy to be the alone me because I am not able to communicate.
Fear not people! I know how to cheer my lone self up! I do exercise, I watch tv (which I switch off when I don't feel like watching), I read books, online (which I don't usually do because I am not addicted to facebook and I do not own a smartphone to whatsapp) and I do read the Quran. Only when I am temporary insane I imagine myself talking to someone for instance my husband and hopefully someday my babies.
People are saying "why not work? that will occupy your time and you'll never be alone anymore". My answer is I will make my husband worries. My line of work (if I was employed) usually will involve extra hours based on past experience. My husband will be worried for my safety. He will be worried about my health. My husband does not want me to be stressed out because of work. At the same time I don't think I can do house works as much as I like. We had experienced this before when both of us are working. Everyday dinner was at stalls and restaurants. His work requires him to work late most of the time.
NOW....it is not easy to be him either. My husband has to work hard to feed me. It is not easy to be him because he is very good at his job and thus becomes the favourite employee. It is not easy to be him because he is too good looking and that makes him sad because he loses friends. I thought he did not mind because he said he is an anti social person. He said I can neither be selfish nor jealous. At the back of my selfish-jealous-self head I personally think that no one should have anything to do with the one who got rejected. Either for business or leisure because I thought happy family comes first and then work a.k.a. money. Probably he cried because he really wanted to be friends with those amazing women who share the same interests but being married to me makes it harder for him. I don't know because he didn't say. I am not in his shoes.
It really is difficult being him. I never want him to buy me expensive clothes, handbags, shoes, smartphones and make-ups. I don't want him to do house works because I know he is tired from working. He can be lazy and I don't mind. He can be online whenever he wants. Maybe because I don't like him to be friends with those amazing women that made him upset. I should use my stupid brain and think.... maybe if I had a job my husband can save his hard earned salary and not waste them on me. Then he will not have to contact unnecessary people for business purposes because I am selfish. So who says it is easy to be me?
Saturday 26 April 2014
Thursday 17 April 2014
No Opah, No Kampung
Opah passed away last Friday just before Friday prayer. She was buried at night after Maghrib. Until today I did not know why they were rushing things. I initially thought that the burial will take place the next morning when everyone is here. My aunts and cousins were late and Opah has been brought to the mosque for solat jenazah already. I cannot ask mother because she was mean, as she usually is.
Since it was after Maghrib the cemetery was already dark with no street lights around. We had to park our cars nearby the area, keep the engines running so that the lights from the cars can help out. I was pissed of with the AJK because of stupid mats! They wanted to know whether the mats are new, where are the old ones, we do not want to use new ones, bla bla bla....
Before that when we were still at home no one recited Surah Yassin or even mengaji. Those old stupid ungrateful women were busy talking like they were attending a school reunion. I hope they all die in shame and people will even sing and be merry at their corpses. Stupid, stupid mad women! I was lucky I had not stayed there long.
My conclusion is mother being so mean wanted to get it done immediately because she did not want to wait for her arch-enemy sister. Mother was so mean, she was angry when my aunt did not want any of Opah's clothes because she already has them at her home (that was when my aunt went back home already). My uncle said that it would had been easier if the tahlil took place during the day. He had to rush to and fro because of work the next morning.
I want to say so many but nothing can be said to mean mother. Now she can enjoy her life, no husband and no mother to take care of. I want to see whether she does what she said she barely can do before like mengaji and watch agama programmes. I want to see whether she will have a happier life with her unmarried son and daughter. The lists never end.
This entry is supposedly for my Opah but mean mother dominates. Opah is not going to be around and I don't feel like going back to kampung anymore. What a pity, my future children will never have a kampung for raya. If they were lucky enough their kampung will be mean mother's house!
I am not a person who like to express my dissatisfaction or find comfort in anyone. However, I always feel fine and calm listening to Opah's stories. I am jealous to see that my neighbour often has someone visiting her. Her friends and relatives. My neighbour can text her husband anytime and he will text back. I think it takes him a minute or two only. I saw her called her husband and her sisters maybe for a few minutes. Talking and listening to Opah was good. I did not tell her anything but most of the time I was the listener although we seldom met. At least there is someone to have a conversation with.
Now that Opah has passed away I think my communication skill will rot soon. As I mentioned before Opah and I seldom met but I talked to her in my head. Whenever I went back to kampung I like to listen to Opah rather than my mother. Mother likes to talk bad about everyone and that made my head and my heart ached. My heart ache even when I am just thinking about it.
I never thought Opah would go so soon. She looked alright the last time I saw her. I imagined she got well and very healthy. I had imagined us going for a holiday to Tanjung Jara, my favourite place. Of course with me driving (as if I had a driving licence!) and of course with heavy heart my mother and my aunts tagged along. I didn't want to bother Mr Husband since I had my driving licence already. Neither my brother nor my sister were in my dream. I imagined myself spending lavishly on food and accommodation. We didn't have to go to the restaurant for breakfast because the accommodation came with a personal butler service mind you!
But most of the time dreams never come true. Because Opah is not here anymore. The only thing to do is doa, mengaji and sedekah Al Fatihah.
Since it was after Maghrib the cemetery was already dark with no street lights around. We had to park our cars nearby the area, keep the engines running so that the lights from the cars can help out. I was pissed of with the AJK because of stupid mats! They wanted to know whether the mats are new, where are the old ones, we do not want to use new ones, bla bla bla....
Before that when we were still at home no one recited Surah Yassin or even mengaji. Those old stupid ungrateful women were busy talking like they were attending a school reunion. I hope they all die in shame and people will even sing and be merry at their corpses. Stupid, stupid mad women! I was lucky I had not stayed there long.
My conclusion is mother being so mean wanted to get it done immediately because she did not want to wait for her arch-enemy sister. Mother was so mean, she was angry when my aunt did not want any of Opah's clothes because she already has them at her home (that was when my aunt went back home already). My uncle said that it would had been easier if the tahlil took place during the day. He had to rush to and fro because of work the next morning.
I want to say so many but nothing can be said to mean mother. Now she can enjoy her life, no husband and no mother to take care of. I want to see whether she does what she said she barely can do before like mengaji and watch agama programmes. I want to see whether she will have a happier life with her unmarried son and daughter. The lists never end.
This entry is supposedly for my Opah but mean mother dominates. Opah is not going to be around and I don't feel like going back to kampung anymore. What a pity, my future children will never have a kampung for raya. If they were lucky enough their kampung will be mean mother's house!
I am not a person who like to express my dissatisfaction or find comfort in anyone. However, I always feel fine and calm listening to Opah's stories. I am jealous to see that my neighbour often has someone visiting her. Her friends and relatives. My neighbour can text her husband anytime and he will text back. I think it takes him a minute or two only. I saw her called her husband and her sisters maybe for a few minutes. Talking and listening to Opah was good. I did not tell her anything but most of the time I was the listener although we seldom met. At least there is someone to have a conversation with.
Now that Opah has passed away I think my communication skill will rot soon. As I mentioned before Opah and I seldom met but I talked to her in my head. Whenever I went back to kampung I like to listen to Opah rather than my mother. Mother likes to talk bad about everyone and that made my head and my heart ached. My heart ache even when I am just thinking about it.
I never thought Opah would go so soon. She looked alright the last time I saw her. I imagined she got well and very healthy. I had imagined us going for a holiday to Tanjung Jara, my favourite place. Of course with me driving (as if I had a driving licence!) and of course with heavy heart my mother and my aunts tagged along. I didn't want to bother Mr Husband since I had my driving licence already. Neither my brother nor my sister were in my dream. I imagined myself spending lavishly on food and accommodation. We didn't have to go to the restaurant for breakfast because the accommodation came with a personal butler service mind you!
But most of the time dreams never come true. Because Opah is not here anymore. The only thing to do is doa, mengaji and sedekah Al Fatihah.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)